Questions for Reflection
In each episode, we offer you a few prompts to think about how that day's conversation applies to you. Our supporters over at Buy Me a Coffee now have exclusive access to the PDF versions of all our Questions for Reflection. Join us today!
Beth Demme (00:03):
Welcome to the Discovering Our Scars Podcast.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (00:06):
Where we have honest conversations about things that make us different.
Beth Demme (00:08):
Our mission is to talk about things you might relate to, but that you don't hear being discussed in other places.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (00:13):
Our hope is that you're encouraged to have honest conversations with people in your own life. I'm Steph.
Beth Demme (00:18):
And I'm Beth. On today's show, we're going to have an honest conversation titled: "What's In a Name?"
Stephanie Kostopoulos (00:23):
Then we'll share a slice of life in the show. We'll close with questions for reflection. Where will you invite you to reflect on the conversation in your own life.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (00:30):
Well, welcome to the podcast today, Elizabeth Mae Demme.
Beth Demme (00:37):
So close. That's a lot of names. So close. You can call me Elizabeth Mae, if you want--
Stephanie Kostopoulos (00:43):
Beth Demme (00:44):
Stephanie Kostopoulos (00:45):
It's your old ... Well, no, that's not even your old name. I forgot your original last name, Gibbons?
Beth Demme (00:51):
Stephanie Kostopoulos (00:52):
Beth Demme (00:52):
So growing up, I was Elizabeth Mae Gibbons, which I actually think is a really lovely name. I think my parents did a great job on that name.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (00:58):
They did do a good job.
Beth Demme (01:00):
But when I got married, I dropped the Mae so that I could keep my maiden name. So, Elizabeth Gibbons Demme. Yes.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (01:06):
So you have a whole ... and you don't even go by Elizabeth now. You go by Beth.
Beth Demme (01:09):
I have never gone by Elizabeth. I only got called Elizabeth when I was either with somebody who didn't know me or maybe if I was in trouble. I probably got in trouble once or something and my mom used it. But yeah, no, I really have never been Elizabeth; I've always been Beth.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (01:26):
But it's interesting that your name is basically completely different.
Beth Demme (01:30):
Because I have a different last name?
Stephanie Kostopoulos (01:32):
Well, and your middle name is different.
Beth Demme (01:33):
It doesn't feel that different to me because growing up I was Beth Gibbons and now I'm Beth Gibbons Demme.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (01:38):
Does anyone call you all of that?
Beth Demme (01:40):
Never. Who's going to be using people's middle names? That's so random.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (01:45):
No one's ever used my middle name. Yeah.
Beth Demme (01:48):
I did it that way because I got married right when I graduated from college. And so I wanted all of my professional things to have my maiden name on it. I wanted to, I really felt like it was a way to honor my dad, especially. And so that's why I did it that way so that I could always have Gibbons on like, my certificate from the Florida Supreme Court and my law degree, and that kind of stuff.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (02:14):
Do you think it's most women that take their husband's last names, change their middle name out to their maiden name?
Beth Demme (02:22):
I think it's probably one of those things that kind of goes in cycles because I think we tend to do what we're familiar with.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (02:29):
Beth Demme (02:29):
And so if our friends are doing that, then we are probably tending to do it that way. I got married really young, so I didn't necessarily know what other people were doing. Because I was the first among my peer group or whatever to get married. So I just did what made sense to me. And like I said, I wanted to honor my dad. So I wanted to keep that in.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (02:48):
Well I know my mom changed her middle name--
Beth Demme (02:51):
Stephanie Kostopoulos (02:51):
To her maiden name. So, that seems like pretty traditional to me.
Beth Demme (02:54):
Yeah. I like traditional. But I've always been Beth. So when I was in seventh grade, that's when I started middle school. I went to an elementary school that was K through six. So I started middle school in seventh grade and I decided, okay, middle school, like I'm becoming a young woman. And like, I'm going to stake out my own identity. And in, from now on, I will be known as Elizabeth. And pretty much the first class I walked into, it was a seventh grade math. And the teacher was Mrs. Mead and she was calling roll and she got to my name and she said, "Elizabeth, that's too long! You'll be Beth in here."
Stephanie Kostopoulos (03:32):
Beth Demme (03:32):
And I was like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa."
Stephanie Kostopoulos (03:33):
Oh, well that's really mean. Because that's the say, your Elizabeth is exactly the same length as my name, Stephanie.
Beth Demme (03:42):
Right. I think because it's four syllables, it was throwing her off.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (03:45):
Beth Demme (03:46):
Yeah. E-liz-a-beth. Ste-pha-nie. I don't know.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (03:49):
Beth Demme (03:50):
She was a mean woman. And one of the other things that I remember about her is--
Stephanie Kostopoulos (03:55):
Beth Demme (03:55):
—great math teacher, learned a ton of math. But the thing I remember is she really lamented that her father had been cheated out of something he was entitled to. And she was really proud of him because he had actually invented menthol cigarettes and he never got the credit he deserved. Let me tell you.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (04:15):
Did he die of lung cancer?
Beth Demme (04:16):
I don't know. She was, she was older. Yeah. She's one of my older teachers back then--
Stephanie Kostopoulos (04:21):
Did she smoke?
Beth Demme (04:22):
She definitely, in her, in my mind, she sounds like a smoker. You know how you can kind of remember people's voices?
Stephanie Kostopoulos (04:28):
Beth Demme (04:29):
She never, like, smoked in the classroom or anything.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (04:30):
But depending on how old you are, it could have been.
Beth Demme (04:33):
Right, right, right.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (04:34):
I feel like, did teachers used to do that?
Beth Demme (04:35):
I don't, never in my experience.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (04:38):
No, yeah. But even young, I mean, I don't know. I feel like they used to smoke on airplanes.
Beth Demme (04:43):
Stephanie Kostopoulos (04:43):
Could you imagine?
Beth Demme (04:44):
I am talking the 1980s, and I think people were still smoking on airplanes in the 1980s. But no, not in the classroom.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (04:50):
So classy. Oh my gosh. How is anyone alive?
Beth Demme (04:54):
Elizabeth is a long name with lots of potential nicknames. Right? Eliza--
Stephanie Kostopoulos (05:00):
Well, you know, I realize there is a lot that, it's interesting that like, I always call you Beth. But I'm looking at your name now and I can just call you Liz.
Beth Demme (05:09):
Stephanie Kostopoulos (05:09):
Oh, wait. You don't want to be Liz?
Beth Demme (05:12):
It's the one nickname that comes out of Elizabeth that I really dislike for some reason.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (05:16):
Beth Demme (05:17):
When I was in high school and I was taking driver's ed. Our driver's ed was taught by someone we called Coach. I don't know what he coached, but anyway. He coached driver's ed. Anyway. And he called me Liz. And let me tell you, Coach Slusser only used that one time.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (05:32):
Beth Demme (05:32):
And I was like, "No, sir, I'm Beth. You can call me Beth." I don't, but I don't know what it is. I know people who are named Liz who are lovely people. This is not a reflection on them. It's just something about that, maybe the way he said it? Something about it just has made it always not sit well with me.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (05:47):
How about Lizzie?
Beth Demme (05:49):
That would be a little bit better. But I still, it doesn't feel like me. It doesn't feel like me--
Stephanie Kostopoulos (05:53):
That's true. [crosstalk 00:05:54] feels like me. There is a lot of names you could get from Elizabeth. I never really thought about it.
Beth Demme (05:58):
Even Betsy. Betsy comes from Elizabeth.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (06:00):
Oh, Betsy. Huh?
Beth Demme (06:03):
And you don't go by your whole name.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (06:05):
It's too long. Oh my gosh, it's so long. It's interesting. I've never had anybody say it's too long, like you had with your teacher. Like the traumatic, like, "Why is my name too long? It's my name." No one's ever said that to me, but yeah. So growing up, I actually, the only people that ever called me Steph were my family and maybe close friends. But almost everyone called me Stephanie. And I didn't really necessarily have a preference. It was just kind of my family called me Steph and then everyone else called me Stephanie. And when I was working for Apple, I was Stephanie. When I worked at Disney, that was my name tag. And then when I worked at Killearn Church, it was Stephanie.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (06:47):
And that was something actually that helped me. That was, like, a mind shift. Like when people call me Stephanie, I was more 'on' professionally. I was like, "Oh, professional me." And when people call me Steph, it's more like relaxed, friend me. And so when I started Mother Daughter Projects, we made a conscious decision that I would be called Steph. Because we wanted people to kind of see me as a friend, a pal, somebody that is helping you see how to do this project, and not in a formal way.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (07:16):
So now in my professional world and my friend world, I'm Steph. And so when someone calls me Stephanie now, I don't have a problem with it, but it is a little like, what? Oh yeah, that's me. What do you need me to do in your professional way? Because you're so professional saying that. So now I'm just Steph, pretty much everywhere.
Beth Demme (07:36):
Yeah. My husband is Stephen. And so people often ask me, they'll almost like pull me aside. "Does he prefer to go by Steve or Stephen?" He has no preference, but if you ask him and he gives you an answer, you should go with it. Right? If he says, "Just call me Stephen." And then they call him Steve. It's like, [crosstalk 00:07:56] why did you ask me?
Stephanie Kostopoulos (07:57):
That's true, yeah.
Beth Demme (07:58):
So yeah. But he doesn't care.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (08:00):
Yeah. And that's me too. Like, I don't really care. You can call me whatever.
Beth Demme (08:04):
Because what we really want to talk about is how name reflects identity, or reflects a sense of identity. And so Steph is your professional name now and it conveys, like, approachability.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (08:16):
Beth Demme (08:16):
Whereas Stephanie is maybe more formal and more like, okay, I'm in [crosstalk 00:08:21] Apple Genius mode.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (08:22):
Yeah. Well, and I chose to put Stephanie my full name on my book because it is a serious kind of ... and a book is professional kind of thing. So I did choose to put that as my actual, like, author title. But in the book I do refer to myself as Steph and say, I think in the beginning, say, "Hey, I'm Steph."
Stephanie Kostopoulos (08:43):
So I did choose, to outward, to see when you see the title that is Stephanie, but I go by Steph. You know, because I want you to feel like I'm just like you, I'm normal and you can be friends with me.
Beth Demme (09:01):
I'll vouch for that.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (09:02):
But if I was a lawyer, I would be Stephanie, for sure.
Beth Demme (09:05):
A hundred percent.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (09:06):
Yes. There would be no Steph, come to my lawyer services, call Steph right now. No, I would be Stephanie. I'd probably do something even longer.
Beth Demme (09:15):
Longer, more serious.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (09:16):
Maybe I'd be Stephanie Marie. That's my middle name, so.
Beth Demme (09:20):
Oh, is it? I knew it was an M, but I honestly don't think I knew what it was.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (09:23):
Call Stephanie Marie for your lawyer servicing today. Probably good I'm not a lawyer. It actually is a Catholic middle name.
Beth Demme (09:34):
Stephanie Kostopoulos (09:34):
Yeah. My dad is Catholic and my mom is Methodist. And so that's how I got that name. The middle name, Marie.
Beth Demme (09:41):
Where does Stephanie come from? Is it a family name?
Stephanie Kostopoulos (09:44):
It's Greek. It means, Crowned One. Yeah. And it comes from Stephen, which is ... Stephen and Stephanie are like the same thing in Greek. So yeah. Yeah. So when I was growing up, in high school, I really got into TV production and I started making videos and started doing like video production on the side, outside of school. And I named my production company Crowned One Productions because it's based on my name.
Beth Demme (10:15):
[crosstalk 00:10:15] makes sense.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (10:15):
Of course everyone thought it was Crowned One, like, Jesus or something. But it wasn't. But big thumbs up to Jesus, too. He's cool. But it was based on my name.
Beth Demme (10:29):
Not that you are Jesus. That's not what you're saying.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (10:32):
No. In Greek my name means Crowned One, which is not related to Jesus. It just is what my name means in Greek. I'm sorry. I didn't--
Beth Demme (10:43):
You didn't invent it. You didn't invent.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (10:44):
I didn't choose my name, but I really like my name. I do like my name. Did your kids ever want to change their name?
Beth Demme (10:49):
No, but you know, we changed their names when they were, when, as part of the adoption process. So obviously they were both born in Russia and they both had Russian names and we wanted to really give them a foundation that rooted them in their new family. And so we gave them family names. So like for me, Elizabeth Mae, I am named after my grandmothers, my mother's mother and then my father's aunt who raised him. So I kind of wanted to do the same thing for my kids. So my son is named after my grandfather, well actually, my husband's grandfather. And then my grandfather is his middle name. And our daughter has her names, her first and middle names come from my side of the family, from my great-grandmother and my grandmother.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (11:43):
And did you, you and your husband like consciously decide you wanted to be family names?
Beth Demme (11:49):
Yes. So we actually, when we got to Russia the very first time, when we were going to be meeting our son for the first time, holding him for the first time. We kind of came with a set of names that we thought we liked and we didn't know that we were going to need to have this, but we just, we were excited. And so we had been talking about it and making plans, and then we actually had to file the court paperwork the day after we held him for the first time. And so it was like, okay, if you're going to do this, we have to know what you want a petition to change his name to. And it was a lot of pressure that night because the name that we had come with was not a family name and it didn't feel right. So we kind of had to make a, an almost spur of the moment decision right then and there.
Beth Demme (12:29):
But I remember it being really fun to talk with Stephen about what will their names be? And how will we know if it suits them and if it really fits them? And then we did, we really want, we were going to name our son, William. I just loved that name. And they're like all the nicknames that come from it. But then we met him and it was like, "Oh, he is not a William."
Stephanie Kostopoulos (12:49):
Beth Demme (12:49):
So then we had to think about who we thought he was. So we did, we changed their names. And never, ever kept that information from them. I mean, it was part of their stories that we, it was like their bedtime story when we would talk about their adoption and really framing everything in positive terms. We even talked about, their names had been or what their names are. So.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (13:12):
Is there, are their names hard to say?
Beth Demme (13:15):
Their Russian names?
Stephanie Kostopoulos (13:16):
Yeah are they, like, really long?
Beth Demme (13:18):
They're pretty long. And they have Russian pronunciations. So like my son's birth name was Ivan, but they don't pronounce it Ivan in Russia. It's Yvonne, which has, to my ear, has a feminine sounding ring to it because of the name, Yvonne. But that's just how, that's how they pronounce it. So, and also they have a practice in Russia of your middle name reflects your birth father's name. So he was Ivan Ivanovich.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (13:48):
Oh, huh. Ivan Ivanovich.
Beth Demme (13:50):
Yes. Ivan Ivanovich. And then our daughter was, Snezhana, which is a sort of an old Russian word that very loosely translated means 'snowflake'.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (14:01):
Beth Demme (14:02):
So, so actually like my husband will tell her, "Oh, you're my snowflake." Like, that's part of their little thing that they have together. So yeah. Then there's this whole other Russian last name that goes with it. It's a lot.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (14:11):
Wow. Wow. Okay. So have they ever wanted to go by their Russian names? Like was there ever any part, have they ever wanted to change their names?
Beth Demme (14:21):
No, not that they've ever expressed to me.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (14:23):
Can they say their Russian names?
Beth Demme (14:25):
Stephanie Kostopoulos (14:25):
Beth Demme (14:27):
So you do Mother Daughter Projects with your mom, obviously. And her name is Vicki. Now, is that short for something? Is she like, can I start calling her like Victoriana or something?
Stephanie Kostopoulos (14:38):
Victoriana. Sure, you could do it. Let's see what happens. Sure do it. And she'll call you Liz. It'll be great. You know, it's interesting because I've never really had a problem with like, if people mispronounce my name, or call me something. It doesn't really bother me. Because my last name is like a little weird. And so people typically mispronounce it and I really have no problem with it. And people always like, "How do you pronounce it?" And I'm like, "It doesn't matter. This is how you say it, but it doesn't matter how you say it." Like it doesn't bother me. But it does really bother my mom.
Beth Demme (15:07):
Stephanie Kostopoulos (15:08):
Yes. When you mispronounce her name, it really bothers her. And the big deal is when people call her Victoria--
Beth Demme (15:13):
Oh, because they assume Vicki is short for--
Stephanie Kostopoulos (15:16):
Yeah because her name is Vicki, and that is her name. Done deal. With an I at the end, which is also annoying when you have a name that can be spelled a couple of different ways. Yeah.
Beth Demme (15:25):
Like Kelly, there are so many different ways to spell Kelly.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (15:27):
Or Ashley, you can spell Ashley different ways. There's a lot of names where you can spell them in a bunch of different ways. Stephanie can be spelled different ways. Like with an F, don't do that to my name. I've, I'm sensitive to like names and trying to get them correctly and being respectful of names. Because I've seen how it kind of like, how it bothers my mom, even though I've never really been bothered by it. It's never really been an issue for me.
Beth Demme (15:53):
So I mentioned that when I got married, I shifted my maiden name to be my middle name so that I could keep that as a way to kind of honor my father. And you actually chose your professional name. So like the name that your book is published under Stephanie Kostopoulos. That was an intentional choice, right?
Stephanie Kostopoulos (16:15):
Yeah. Because I remember growing up, I obviously have my, when my mom got married, she took my dad's name and moved her maiden name to her middle name. And so I have my dad's last name. And I always just remember thinking like, well, first of all, I remember thinking, why is it given that the woman has to take the man's name? So I'm one of those that's like, "Why is it dah, dah, dah." And then number two, I also thought like how sad it is that my mom's maiden name was going to die out. Because my uncle who would be the only one that would pass on that name doesn't have kids. And so I just always remember, I always just was very conflicted at why women always have to lose their identity with their last name. And then why the man's name always gets to kind of move on.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (17:03):
And so for me, from a young age, probably long, younger than I should have been like caring about this. I remember thinking I was like, I want, when I get married, I want to, I want me and my husband to take different last names. So neither of us are giving up our identity. We're creating like a new identity. And that was like, and I remember telling people this, like just, friends and stuff and they would just laugh at me. They're like, "There's no way that your husband's going to take your, another last name." Or not let you take his--
Beth Demme (17:33):
That's not impossible.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (17:34):
That's what people would tell me. And I was just like, wow, well then I guess I'm not getting married because I'm sorry. But like, I'm not just going to take someone's name because that's what we do. I just was very against that.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (17:44):
So for the longest time, I was like, well essentially I wanted us to take my mom's maiden name. That's what I wanted our name to be. So we were both going to drop our names and take my mom's maiden name and--
Beth Demme (17:57):
[crosstalk 00:17:57] something short Kostopoulos.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (17:59):
Well, I mean, I had to make it complicated. You know, if my first name wasn't long enough, then let's add a -opoulos to it.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (18:08):
So in high school, actually, I was playing around with completely changing me off my last name to a combination of my, both my parents' last name. And I don't know why, but I had a journal with, with a friend of mine in high school and we would like write back and forth and I would always sign it with this like combined last name. I don't even know how you say it. It was just like a conga lover. It was just like a ridiculous name that I made up based on [inaudible 00:18:33] of the two last names.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (18:34):
So when it came to my book, I had to make a decision because I was going to be putting out my full name out there and this would be, I had to make a decision. Do I want to use my, the name I've been going by? Do I want to use a new name? What do I want to do? And I really played around with it for a long, long time. And I finally decided that I wanted to adopt the, my mom's last name and also kind of combining it with my dad's name a little bit with the K. So my professional kind of public name is Kostopoulos now. Registered everything, all of that.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (19:16):
And it does, it is interesting because there's people that know me by my name that I've had forever. And then there's people that only know me by my new last name, but I don't know. I know it's confusing and I know it's really long and I know it's like, why would you change your name to something that's even harder to spell? And I'm with you. I know, but I just, there was a part of me that like, I'm Greek and I'm very like proud to be Greek. And I really wanted to have a Greek last name. Even though I know you can't spell it and I'm okay with that.
Beth Demme (19:58):
So it was a way to honor your Greek heritage?
Stephanie Kostopoulos (20:00):
It was. Yeah. And it was something I was proud of and something that I wanted to kind of be known as. And it was a big decision I had to decide kind of right then and there, because like you said, you happened to get married right before you got into your law career. So you can make those decisions right then. And so I had to decide, do I want to do this now? Would I want to change this later? And so I ultimately decided, this is direction I want to go and move forward with.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (20:29):
So I'm happy with it. I'm glad that my last name is Kostopoulos and--
Beth Demme (20:35):
I like it. And I can spell it, so. I think it has a nice ring to it. Actually. I really like it.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (20:40):
Can you spell it without looking at it?
Beth Demme (20:41):
I can. Cause I've typed it many, many, many, many times.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (20:44):
That's the secret to learning how to spell it. I can spell Demme, too. Thanks.
Beth Demme (20:48):
Yeah. You talked about, when people get married in, and how women tend to change their name. And I actually have a clergy colleague here in town who, when he and his wife got married, they did what you talked about. They created a new last name and they took that on as part of their vows and as part of their wedding ceremony, that they would both have this new name. And it's a word that they made up that had significance to them from different things that they kind of put together. And I do think that there's, that's kind of a beautiful tradition. And so their family, so them as a couple and then their children, like they're the only people in the world with that last name because they created it for themselves to kind of mark out their family identity.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (21:28):
Yeah. I think that's really cool. I also know, and I actually know a couple people that have changed their name because of, from hurts that have happened with those names. So, some trauma, abuse that happened in their families, and they don't feel connected to that name. I mean, we're, we've been sitting here talking about how proud we are of these names and, giving your kids family names, because you're really proud of it. But think of the reverse of that. If you've been hurt by these family members, the people you're named after, or people with your same last name. And so I knew, do know a few people that have just completely changed their name and created a new identity. Not let that identity kind of drag them down and be associated with that pain. So I definitely think there's many reasons to change a name, and to adopt it like a new kind of way of life.
Beth Demme (22:23):
Yeah. I never really thought about that. But if I were named after someone who had abused me or how abused other people or who had gone on to do something terrible, then I think that would affect my sense of identity. I would feel like I was somehow connected to that negative person, I guess. I kind of, makes me think of like Al Capone. I know that his son, Al Capone Jr., changed his name because he didn't want to be associated with his father. But that's because his father was a gangster. That's not even really as personal as being abused by someone you're named after. I can't imagine how difficult that would be. And I can absolutely understand wanting to carve out a new identity that isn't linked to that abuse. For sure. That makes sense.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (23:15):
We have mentioned on the podcast that we actually have a Buy Me a Coffee page, and this is a page where you can actually become a monthly member and that's a way to support us and support the podcast. And we post a little behind the scenes, pictures and videos of what's going on. And I wanted to mention it's actually a, you don't have to sign up for anything major. It's done through PayPal. So if you have a PayPal account, it's really easy to do. And we post probably about once a week, twice a week on there. And you never know what you're going to get.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (23:48):
Also Beth, every week posts the questions for reflection in PDF on our Buy Me a Coffee page.
Beth Demme (23:54):
Yeah. Because we really hope you'll use those, maybe in a journal format, or that you'll really take time to use those questions to apply this conversation in your own life.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (24:02):
And there'll be a link in the description to our Buy Me a Coffee page.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (24:12):
Well, Mrs. Demme, it's time for ... I realize I've never called you that. Mrs. Demme, that would be your like, do people call you that?
Beth Demme (24:20):
Never because [crosstalk 00:24:21] and I don't go by, I would use Ms. not Mrs.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (24:25):
So I actually wanted to share something. I don't know if we've mentioned, but we have a website, we've mentioned that. We have a website that we put all of our podcasts on and there's a page for every podcast episode. And we have a transcript for every episode. And you can find that at Dospod.us, that's the website. And there's always a link to it in the description to that specific episode. But you can actually comment, write a comment on our podcast episodes. And I wanted to share a recent comment that we got from John Wolf. Actually, we got a couple of comments, so gold star for John.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (25:01):
Thank you so much.
Beth Demme (25:02):
Thank you, John.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (25:03):
He commented on the Love Actually episode, episode 71. That was a great episode. What'd you think Beth?
Beth Demme (25:11):
I thought episode 71 was great.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (25:13):
It's one of my favorites, but in 72, I don't know. Actually I don't even know what 72 was, so. It was probably good. It was probably good. But he commented and he said, "So, just had to pause the podcast and say two things. One, Beth, I love that your son and his friends express themselves that way. It makes my heart swell. Two, Steph and Beth, nineties country is my favorite too."
Beth Demme (25:37):
Way to go. I appreciate both of those things. And I'm with you. I'm glad that my son and his friends are comfortable saying, I love you. I think that's-
Stephanie Kostopoulos (25:43):
Oh, I was going to say, if you wonder what he's referring to, go listen to the episode. But you just said it--
Beth Demme (25:48):
[crosstalk 00:25:48] that was in our Love Actually episode?
Stephanie Kostopoulos (25:49):
Yeah. But that's what he's referring to is that your son and his friends tell them that they love each other all the time, which is awesome. And also something I don't do. But if you listen to episode--
Beth Demme (26:01):
You'll find out why [crosstalk 00:26:02].
Stephanie Kostopoulos (26:03):
Oh, and then he also commented and he had a follow-up to that episode as well. We shared about the love languages quiz you can take in that episode. And we shared what our love languages were and he shared with us what his were. So I thought that was cool. So his is seven ... 37%. See, I was going to say 70, because I reverse it, because I'm dyslexic. See how that works. Okay. He said 37%, he is acts of service. That's his number one love language. Then 30% is receiving gifts. 13 is words of affirmation. And it's also tied at 13% for quality time.
Beth Demme (26:38):
Wow. He and I are like almost opposites.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (26:40):
Yes. And 7% for physical touch. So.
Beth Demme (26:42):
Stephanie Kostopoulos (26:43):
That's low on all of our lists. Or, was that low on yours?
Beth Demme (26:46):
I don't remember. I just remember words of affirmation was really big [crosstalk 00:26:50] zero--
Stephanie Kostopoulos (26:51):
Zero for you. Yeah. So we wanted to say thank you, John, for sharing that we always enjoy hearing from you and getting great comments. So, and if you want to share any comments, you are welcome to go to our website. Like I said, Dospod.us.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (27:06):
And we also have a voicemail number that you can call and leave a voicemail. And we actually have a voicemail to share today.
Beth Demme (27:14):
That's right. Let's hear. This is actually from someone who is a friend, but also has supported us on Buy Me a Coffee and has been listening to some episodes. So let's hear what she has to say.
Hi, Steph and Beth, it's Suzanne in Tallahassee. I just finished listening to An Honest Conversation About Divorce. And first, I wanted to set aside Steph's curiosity about why people get divorced and tell you the reason I got divorced with my first husband, had an affair and he decided that he wanted to leave the marriage and be with this other person. And of course that was very painful, but something I wanted to touch on that you guys brought up, was whether divorce is a failure? Whether people see divorce as a failure. And of course, when you have years on it, like I do and a good, different perspective, I don't consider it to have been a failure. I believe everything happens for a reason and I never would have met my husband and I had my beautiful daughter and become the mother of two other children as well, had I not gotten divorced the first time.
Clearly I didn't make the best decision the first time around. But when you're in it, I, when I was in it, I did feel like a failure. I remember feeling, "I'm never going to have a golden wedding anniversary." In retrospect seems so stupid, but I didn't want the divorce. I was willing to forgive and forget and move on. I thought we could have therapy and be done with it, but he did not want to stay in the marriage. And that very much felt like a failure on my part. You know, I think a lot of women whose husbands have affairs think, "What did I do wrong? I must have done something wrong." So I was a failure. So, just wanted to share. Great program. I'm glad you had one on divorce, I've been wondering if you're going to do that. And talk to you guys soon. Bye.
Beth Demme (29:29):
Well, thanks so much, Suzanne. And, for whatever it's worth, I have never once considered you a failure at anything. And so I certainly don't see you that way. But I appreciate that perspective and that your perspective has changed as time has passed. And you've built this new life and you have this beautiful family and so your perspective on that divorce is different now. I appreciate that.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (29:50):
Yeah. I'm curious if there were signs early on, when she was dating. Or like right before they were married, if there were signs that she might now have looked back and think that she had ignored. Because she was like, I'm moving forward with him. I don't know.
Beth Demme (30:06):
Yeah. I don't know.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (30:07):
I just have so many questions about people's lives. I'm so like, but thank you so much. Because that, like I said, I'm always so curious about divorce. So that was like, I got some good insight.
Beth Demme (30:18):
Well, if you want to call in and leave us a voicemail, you can reach us at (850) 270-3308.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (30:27):
At the end each episode we end with questions for reflection. These are questions based on today's show that Beth will read and leave a little pause between. And you can find a PDF of them on our Buy Me a Coffee page.
Beth Demme (30:37):
Number one. Is there any family connection in your name? Does that matter to you? Why? Number two, have you ever considered changing any part of your name? Why? Number three, do people typically say or spell your name wrong? Does that bother you? Number four, are there certain nicknames that only certain people can use with you? Reflect on those names and relationships.
Stephanie Kostopoulos (31:06):
This has been the Discovering Our Scars podcast. Thank you for joining us.